Sadzzz.. I'm disappointed with myself....

I had severe headache again during lectures.. After lesson, at bout 1530hrs, I received a message from my piano teacher.. I knew it's gonna be about my piano results.. Din really dare to hit the 'view message' button. But, I still hafta face the fact no matter what. The first word I saw was 'sorry'. I knew it's not gonna be a good news then. SADZ.. Yes, I failed my piano grade 8 practical exam agian. Was trying hard to hold back my tears then. Din wanna cry at the bus stop cos there were so many people there - my jc classmates, my ntu tutorial classmates, ppl from kranji, etc.. Juz too much ppl there. But I had tears in my eyes, tried hard not to let my jc friends see. Luckily they din ask anything, though I think ShiYin could sense that there's something wrong. Replied my piano teacher and she asked me not to be sad. The more she ask me not to be sad the more I felt like crying I dunno why.. The 1st thing I thought of then was to message/talk to mummy. I knew I'd cry if I talk to her on the phone, so I messaged her instead. But she din reply me, so I called her when I reach boon lay interchange while waiting for 157/174.. true enough, I cried while talking to her, or rather, even before I opened my mouth. Mummy asked me to take again, she asked me to try again.. I knew it's a little wasted to give up now, I mean.. since I've come so far, then I should go all out till the last stage.. Mummy knew that I was sad, she knew that I was crying.. So she sorta changed subject. She asked me where I am, and she actually wanted to ask her driver to pick me up, cos he's at tuas, but I told her it's ok, I'm waiting for bus at boon lay interchange le.. A little while later, I board 157.. Actually wanted to sleep in the bus cos of my headache, but couldn't fall asleep then. Kept thinking of my piano and tears would start forming again. =( But, who else can I blame other than myself for this? I din put in enough effort again this time round. Though i was so free after my A levels I din spend enough time practicing my piano.. Actually, when it was near my piano exam, my teacher told me I played till a little messy. Previously it wasn't like this. She asked me not to keep playing/practicing le, cos I'm so 'shou' with my notes till it sounds so 'luan' le. She said I always dun perform well in exams. She once told me she din expect me to fail de, and 2 of her students whom she expect would fail din fail. How sad.. Ok, for this year, I knew I din play very well during my exam. I played wrongly and I even repeated cos everytime when I play wrongly, I wun know how to continue from there. So I've to go a few bars back then can continue. I'm such a failure isn't it?! This is my 2nd time taking this exam and I failed again.. And if i din remember wrongly, my teacher told me I failed my sight reading-expected and 2nd & 3rd song. My teacher said I got 94/150 which means I failed by 6 marks... haizZz...

FAIL- why do I always have to face this word? I've failed my TP last month and now, I've failed my piano exam. I'm sad, extremely sad. I tried to act normal, I din wanna show it out even when I talked to Dear, Jiaman or Azrin juz now.. I know deep down in my heart, it's crying.. But I can only blame myself for all these. nobody else, except me. I guess I still dunno how to face failures. I knew that everytime we meet a failure, we should learn from it, we should stand strong, but I'm afraid that I would fail again, I want to take the exam again, but I'm afraid that I'll fail again.. I hate this word-fail!

I'm really gonna be sick le, I'm having a sore throat.. Hope tomorrow I'll get better when I wake up. Think I better stop here, better go and do my lab report, so tomorrow during lab dun need to rush.. My friend told me, for this report, we can do it before hand, cos the answers are all in our material science textbook.. Haiz.. Hafta wake up at 5++ tmr.. cos got lab at 830.. sianz....

[I cried while typing this entry....................]